Calming Down Techniques

Calming down is a self-compassion skill that may be developed and practiced. We've all had those moments when we've lost our cool. This year, we've probably had a couple more of those than normal. This time period has put us to the test in whole new ways, and most of us can recall a recent instance of flipping our lid.

It may have been during the second month of quarantine, when we were stress-washing a recently arrived jar of peanut butter, for some. Others may have been triggered by a negative statement from our partner or a defiant outburst from our children. The point is that we all become activated, and we don't always have control over the wave of feeling that washes over us. What we have control over is how we react to it.

Patience and self-compassion are required for calming down. It's a talent we may develop by recognizing what's happening in our brains when we're feeling overwhelmed and taking steps to assist ourselves reactivate our cerebral cortex and higher brain processes. When someone flips their lid, their emotions are out of control, and they may feel like they're in a fight, flight, or freeze mode. They've lost contact with their prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for keeping individuals emotionally attentive, adaptable, balanced, and controlled. The limbic system, the brain's emotional center, detects a danger and overrides the prefrontal cortex when aroused under stressful situations. People lose the equilibrium and homeostasis that allows them to remain calm, adaptable, and sensitive when this happens.

Consider the time you slammed the door on your spouse, yelled at your child, were irritated at a meeting, or worried as a barrage of ideas flooded your mind as you attempted to go asleep. These are all examples of "flipped lid" situations. Knowing what's going on in our heads might help us hit the brakes and calm down instead of reacting in ways that injure us or that we later regret.

When You're Stressed, What Should You Do?

In these high-stress situations, pausing and doing something rhythmic and predictable, such as going for a walk or breathing, is the best thing to do. We will exhale as we inhale. We take up the second foot after putting one down.

One basic exercise that we might try is the 4-7-8 breathing technique. Inhale for four seconds via our noses, hold for seven seconds, then exhale for eight seconds through our mouths. The nervous system is calmed by doing this five times in a succession.

Our reactions are sometimes out of sync with what is actually going on in the present when we are aroused by high emotions in a certain instant. We respond strongly at first, but once those prefrontal cortical processes have returned, we regret our actions and frequently adopt a more balanced viewpoint. We might be able to see how we misinterpreted our partner's statements during an argument. When our child acts irrationally, we may recognize that they are overwhelmed, and our response to them stems from our own emotions of inadequacy or irritation. We may begin to see how a continual sensation of being behind or "not good enough" at work eventually caught up with us. And when we have time to stop and ponder, we may see how our hyperactive thoughts may change into our harshest critics.

In reality, many of our heightened emotional reactions are prompted or exacerbated by an old sensation or implicit memory, rather than the current circumstances. A single phrase used by our spouse to describe ourselves might reawaken old feelings of insecurity and kick off a wave of self-criticism. A specific tone in our child's whine might bring back sad memories from our own upbringing or a mood we can't seem to control.

We may utilize what Dr. Daniel Siegel calls "Mindsight" to stand back and construct a barrier between what we're experiencing and how we react since these brief reactions are like rivers rushing into old stockpiles of untapped emotion. Our “capacity to categorize, evaluate, and clarify our internal emotional environment and how it relates to the world around us” is described as mindsight. Mindfulness techniques can help us develop this capability.

We can observe our thoughts and feelings as ships sailing by on the horizon when we practice mindfulness. We may stand there and watch each shadow pass by, but we don't have to climb on board and be carried away. When it comes to our actions, so many of our ideas and feelings overwhelm us and take control. We may observe these thoughts and sensations with compassion and curiosity by employing techniques like meditation and basic breathing exercises, but we can also return our attention back to our breath, which helps us not to over-identify with them or assign them too much importance.

Every feeling has a high and low point. We can return to a calmer condition if we can manage ourselves through these intense moments. The key is to allow ourselves permission to take a breather. We can meet our uncomfortable emotions with patience, compassion, and perspective if we recognize two things: first, that our brains are overwhelmed and not functioning at their highest capacity to regulate, and second, that our reaction is likely related to a deeper wound or vulnerability within us.

Allowing oneself this time and space to relax is a beneficial deed. It assists us in reconnecting with our prefrontal cortex's excellent activities. It facilitates better communication with our spouse and serves as an example of resilience for our children. It permits us to ponder why we feel the way we do at times, bringing up memories from our past that may have influenced us in ways we were previously unaware of. Finally, it enables us to treat others and ourselves with honesty and compassion.